im sorry it’s taking me forever to let you in. just know that, im a bit scared. im scared that i might fall in love with you with every strength i have, knowing that i could possibly lose you. im scared that our friendship could be lost if anything was to happen, happened once i cant afford to let that happen again. im scared that i might fall weak and feel like i have nothing left if ever you were to leave. im stubborn, im scared, im just not sure if im strong enough. I’m trying. 

ive learned to never take anything for granted. i didnt appreciate what i had till ive lost it. i didnt take those chances when i had the opportunity to. i didnt do the things i wish ive done. but im learning from it all, ive finally accepted what was, what is, and what’s to come. how lucky i was to have something that made saying goodbye so hard <3

I thought I was over you, I could’ve sworn I’ve moved on. but lately, every little thing reminds me of you. I compare every guy to you, but they don’t come close. seeing you live your dream out there, yes I’m happy for you and I’m happy with where I am in life too. But I miss you, I miss everything we had… I still remember this exact time last year, I still remember it all. the late nights, the movie dates, basketball games, those jokes that only we understood, the adventures, everything. these “what ifs” drive me crazy, but what if?

thanks for the high recommendation sergeant, this opportunity would mean the world to me right now. no high-hopes, no guarantee… just fingers crossed! :)

  • continue daily workouts
  • take on new hobbies
  • find a new job
  • find good colleges
  • lose weight
  • build more confidence
  • build up in savings account
  • max out APFT on all events
  • eventually transfer to active duty
  • promotionals
  • improvements
  • apartment hunting
  • learn to surf
  • airborne?

draft finds.

if someone tries to change you, don’t do it. if they really do love you, they’d accept you for who you are. they’d look past every flaw and remind themselves just how much they want you to stay in their life. but constantly trying to change you? its not even worth it. changing because someone isn’t satisfied with the way you are isn’t even worth anything. changing without putting yourself first is like losing yourself. stay true, stay you.. and if thats not enough, they dont deserve someone like you. remember that!

martin: Morris, can you teach me how to be ghetto?
Morris: bitch… I ain’t even ghetto!
me: … Mhm, you actually are!
Morris: fuck you Cruz, you Bitch!
me: ouch, that actually hurt 😒

i miss you, it happens everytime but what we have is a never-ending circle and i need an escape. as much as i really do love you and all the great memories we’ve had within the past three years of meeting, i cant keep putting myself into this situation. i cant go on being “the other girl”, i need someone who wants me and only me. i hate having to feel like im in competition when i know just what the outcome will be. we both need to let those feelings fade, we both need to let us go, i need change. i tell myself this everytime, but for once… im definite im one step closer than i was yesterday. here’s to realizing my worth and putting myself first for once <3